Award Winning Author
Our Songs
It began with Neil
Hello Again
We parted often
Only to return
We said our vows
With Hello on our lips
Holding hands to Hello Again
To say, “I love you.”
Bette gave us The Rose
Whose petals serenaded us
For forty-one years
White roses sang the words of love
“I say love, it is a flower
And you, its only seed.”
He handed me the buds
Planted and ready to grow
I carried its growth on our wedding day
And every April 17
In our garden and on a dresser
The roses of our marriage
Grew purer each year.
Bar bar bar bar bar Barbara Ann
The Beach Boys lifted John out of his chair
This song gave him dance
We could bop to it in the kitchen
In the ice cream parlor
And wherever our feet felt its beats
Two left feet and no rhythm
Conquered by Bar bar bar bar bar Barbara Ann
Still, it plays in my head
As we swung and turned and giggled to the tune.
I can see him saying, “I can do this one.”
I can see us playing together
Just like always.
The miracle of music saw John swing
Turning me into his arms
Rhythmic and free.
Forever in my mind.
Waylon and Willie
Once at Spartan Stadium
Hot and sunny on a summer day
Sharing the fun with best friends
A bit buzzed
Some grass, dope or weed
Filled the air and our lungs
We waited for country’s best
Patient and knowing soon their guitars would strum
Willie and Waylon soon would come
Soon they’d walk the ramp and give us our daily dose
Good Hearted Woman, Luckenbach, Texas and I’m A Ramblin Man
So many great ones they could boast.
Now, I could see Waylon’s measured walk
His hat on his head and boots on the step
Ready to give us their joy.
Waylon infused the air
With deep, robust and gravelly tones
With his partner somewhere.
Missing the weathered warm tenor’s voice
We asked, “Where is Willie?”
Never to be seen that day.
Never to be heard
Pot, reefer and too many lids
Kept Willie in the truck.
No hard feelings
Waylon sang
And Willie was Willie.
Opera, Country, Rock and Pop
Music belonged with us.
He whistled Angel of Music in the shower
And Les Mis was never missed.
Lion King’s Circle of Life became a symbol
Music was solace to John as he declined
Peace entered his body with Rigoletto’s most famous.
We moved from Jersey Boys to MJ to Pavarotti with ease
As each piece became part of our fabric of love
Now I listen and feel John.
The notes, the words, the memories
Fill me up.
There Was An Old Lady
There was an old lady
Who lived in a big house
She had no children at home
But a furry soft Siamese kept her company
For seventeen years he’s been a pain
In her butt.
But she loves him in spite of his habits
Awake at five for a morning meow and get her up
Food is wanted NOW along with a pet on the head.
He sits on her lap as she pees and watches TV
He cuddles in bed as she nods off
paws on her arms and head on hers
He’s a CAT. He does as he pleases
But she loves him and shares her cheeses
Her ice cream and salmon
Hoping he’ll keep on purring
For his loving trust is her companion
My Car
John liked to drive
And rebelled at passenger status
Fond of my new Tesla
The spaceship from Fremont
He let the reins go
So the horse took off.
His visits now are rare
But somehow I see him in my car
On my roadtrips.
Is he seeking a little fun
Or a quick ride to Heaven?
Perhaps he doesn’t trust me
Always the backseat driver
Or is it a place for a captive audience?
I was always safe with him at the wheel
I would gladly give it to him now
If he asked, “Erica, can I drive?”
I would say, “Sure, honey, I’ll pull over.”
But his earthly driving days are done
And now I hope his carriage is adorned
With all that he loves
And the GPS knows his destination.
The Visit
On April 17
Deep in thought I drove
Music sounds and beauty abound
My brain wandered at will
Where shall I take the boys
I wondered?
Memories of our hikes past
John and me in the woods.
Oh and No
Ready now for our own Odyssey
Maybe a hike on Mt Tam?
To my faraway place he came to me
Choosing this moment to opine
He said, “No I don’t think Mt Tam
Is a good idea "
He spoke to me strong and sure
His voice so familiar
I felt him. His love. His need to be with me.
Happy Anniversary I whispered.
Then he was gone
No longer alone today
I know the mysteries of death
Just John and me.
It’s all I want. All I need.
My Other Kid
He is my other kid
Not by blood
Not by family
By luck
By happenstance
But he is loved by me
A gift.
Blond hair and blue eyes
Tall and straight he stands
Not like me
Not of me
But part of me
Thankful for his choice
To give me his thoughts
His ideas
His feelings
He is my other kid
The one given to me
By destiny
By circumstance
Thankful am I.
Where shall this take us
I know he is a constant
We share our lives
But he is his own
I shall let the winds of the future
Unravel
I shall take what he gives
And feel blessed.
No Net
My safety net is gone
Not torn or cut
Simply disappeared
The gods have taken my peace
Danger and unrest lurk in my shadows
Falling through space with no net
I fear the bottom and the void
How shall I hold on to me?
Where comfort used to reign
Fear and uncertainty linger
Where free falling felt safe
Caution takes its place
Anxious and wobbly
My mind trips unsteady
Hanging on where I’m able
Stable and secure are strangers.
Unfamiliar feelings of peril
Surround my desire to forge ahead
Stay put, I think
You have no net
No place to land
What was there for you
Is no longer
I feel the risk, but shall I venture out?
Perhaps I can unlearn my net
Maybe I wear one inside me
Like Spiderman, I will create my web
To appear magically.
The Boss
Driving down the road
My Father's House
Came to mind
The Boss makes me feel
His songs make me think
And sometimes I am covered in sad.
Today I drove down the hill
And I saw him
Standing quite still
A scene from Nebraska
Or a vision that was real?
John looked ahead
Hands in his pockets
Waiting
Come home with me, I thought
I am here, he felt.
My house longs for his body
But he chooses to be free
I let him go
Waiting for next time.
Two Years
Two years
Suns have shined
Moons have risen
I have seen you
In my mind
And heart
I feel your touch
And know your smile
Your laugh warms me
You speak to me
In the garden of my brain
But I want to hold and hug you
Pull the hair on your arms
Feel your mouth on mine
Get so close there is no space between us
No space for loneliness
No room for emptiness
No reason for sadness
But you have left me
To do this alone
To wrap my memories around me
As a warm blanket of love
It’s just not good enough.
My Dream
We walked up the green grass hill
In the Ireland fields
He walked in front of me
I walked behind him
Following his footsteps, stopping where he did
His familiar shadow
I watched him lumber - one foot then the other
Hands held behind his back; his head poised down
Contemplating each step and the road he was taking
We came to the summit
Two ways to reach the top
One easy way, the flat way, through a trellis to the other side
The other had to be climbed
I passed through the trellis, expecting him to follow
But he crossed over the top,
As I took my steps through the trail, I asked, "Why are you leaving me?"
Weighing My Life
I carry my grief with me
I carry my love with me
Unbalanced by my feelings
Split in two
Tears know no difference
The salt tastes the same
I am no longer whole
Broken apart by loss
Hope for stitching together
The torn seams of my life
Hope that one day
Love will weigh more than grief.
John's Birthday
Your birthday just passed
Where are you, I ask
I feel you within me
You are my guide
Nudging my side
I try not to mourn
Grateful you were born
How long shall you be gone
I’ll wait for you
By the lemon tree
Sounds of Silence
I was married to a very loud man
Who laughed and grumbled and chattered away
He tinkered with tools to saw and to sand
His voice and his giggle came to stay
Our home neither quiet nor dull - but crammed
With ideas exchanged and what happened today.
How I miss the sound of life that can
Happen when love gets time to play.
Laughing, loving, lively was he
Lonely am I
Losing himself into all he’d do
Loving him took my heart and brain
Last one to stop playing - he went on
Long ago I learned this is him
Let him go I think
Let me go he willed
Lovingly we embraced.
And So It Goes
Babies crying
Sleep comes
Oceans roar
Tides change
Anger flames
Peace reigns
Music blasts
Notes rest
Life screams
Death silences
The Audacity of Hope
Hope dares to edge in
Brave and bold
Without regard to danger
Forgetting to announce herself
How dare she?
Hope knows no boundaries
For what are we without her?
Necessary to our hearts
Needed by our brains
She doesn't give up
Doesn't give in
Wraps us in her loving arms
To see beyond the tears
To live beyond the fears.
We feel the soft silence of the peace she brings us.
Gone With The Wind
I lost his ring
On my finger
I should have known
It could not linger
My finger was just too slim
Sadness overtook me
I no longer wore John
Looking for where it could be
Giving up to the fates that took his body
That took his brain
His ring has gone just the same.
Maybe it returned to him
Gratitude
I look back on my life
And see love
It fills my heart
And makes me remember
So many hugs and I love yous
So many children for me to cherish
Thankful for my family
Thankful for my life
Thankful for my John
Hard Times
Why did you think I could do this
I cannot be without you
Why did you think I was strong enough
I never said I could
You should have asked me
You said I’d be okay
I cannot do this
It is just too hard - this stuff.
Absence
No tears for years
Now everyday
Joy has taken flight
I try with all my might
But he is gone away
And taken my smiles today
How shall I ever find peace
In a heart that is broken.
Joy
Comfort
Love
Safety
All gone
All lost
Loving Him
He’s losing himself
I’m losing my heart
He’s trying so hardI
I'm helping him try
He’s showing his pain
I feel his futility
He gives me his love
I take all I can get.
Hope Stones
I collect hope stones
Hoping to find hope
What will it look like
When hope is near
How will I know I have hope
Slipping through my fingers
Fragile to hold on to
Sometimes a moment
Feels good
Sometimes a thought
Tells me it’s okay
And then it is gone
I shall keep looking
For more hope stones
Maybe one day I will find the right one